My dad was and is a good man. Growing up I found myself trying to be like him and gain his approval. My dad did not smoke, drink or even curse as far as that goes. He was not a Christian nor did he really hold any other religious belief. Yet, he seemed to have good morals. My dad worked hard in all that he did. He worked in various places doing what was needed to make a living. I looked up to my dad while I was growing up and found myself trying to be just like him. The problem was that I just did not have the skills he possessed. Of course I was very young yet and did not realize that only time would develop some of those skills. Because of my dad's back ground and the need to make a living, he did not spend much quality time with his family. In some respects he was a bit self centered when it came to his time and money. This I did not realize until I was much older. I wanted his love and affection as a child and tried to gain it by doing things for him around our home. Yes, my dad is a good man, but he has some flaws. He is not perfect. I knew as a child that I wanted to be like my dad, but as I got older, I found that there were some things missing in our relationship. My dad was not a hugger, nor did he express his love for us very often. I also came to learn that my dad worked the swing shift to avoid dealing with family matters. I still in many respects wanted to be like my dad and gain his approval. You see, I was not the sports minded person, nor was I into other so called manly sports. I was more into just being outdoors and having fun. I just didn't connect with my dad. I sensed his love, but never really felt it.
When I was in High School my dad and mom got involved in a church near us and through this church my dad gave his heart to the Lord. You could see some changes take place in him, but the showing of love and affection seemed to still be missing or hidden within him. The church became very important to him and he devoted a lot of time to it. I noticed that gardening, painting landscapes, and church involvement seemed to be what he loved to do. My dad worked swing shift throughout our school years and he stayed on swing shift until he retired. This did not help in building a relationship with him because we could only see him on the weekends while in school. When he was off for the weekend he spent a lot of his time gardening, or painting.
I learned from my dad how to garden, how to pound a nail, and how to work. These things I still carry with me, even today. What I missed from my father was a close relationship when growing up. I wanted more than anything to experience or feel his love for me. I wanted to know he approved of me and the accomplishments I did. Even though my dad changed over the years as he grew with the Lord, I came to realize that my dad did not have these things in his life when growing up either. So, he did not know how to express his love to his family. My dad, deep down loved us, he just did not know how to give it. I still meet with my dad on occasion and visit with him. He is 94 years old now and his body is not able to function very well anymore. His mind is still sharp, his love for the Lord is still strong, and his love for the church is also still there. He expresses his love for his children more now, but, it is still a bit distant.
I always looked up to my dad, but found that I must look further than the love of my dad if I wanted to feel and experience a true love that my dad could not give. I had given my heart over to the Lord when I was sixteen, but struggled in finding my way. Only time would help me find a love that I knew would always be there and approval would not have to be sought after. Yes, I wanted to be like my dad, but now I want to be more like the Lord who shows me His love no matter what.
This is just a brief sketch of my life, the details are not so important. What is important is that I found not only acceptance for who I was and have become, I have found a love that never fails and I can truly feel it in my being. There are some good qualities in my dad that rubbed off on me, but to look back and say I still want to be just like my dad, I would have to say, not in every aspect. My dad had flaws and some of those rubbed off on me also, but as I look at myself, I see that I have many of my own flaws which had nothing to do with my dad.
Now my journey in life is not to be so much like my earthly dad as it is to be like my heavenly Father (dad). Every father wants their children to emulate them. They want their children to be a point of pride that brings honor to not only their name, but to who they are. I know that I disappointed my earthly dad many times. I knew I could not do those things that would make him proud, I just did not have the skills for it. I hated disappointing my dad, it made me feel unworthy and unacceptable.
After I grew up and got married, I carried with me many of those feelings of inadequacy, I was always looking for approval. When my children came along I hoped to convey to them all my good attributes and show them the love of God. In the back of my mind, like every other good parent, I wanted my children to be like me and represent me with honor. I wanted my children to look up to me and respect me for who I was. Overall, I can say for the most part, they do that. But, my children like all children disappointed me in some ways. Even though I love them for who they are, I longed for them to continue on with my standards, beliefs, and dreams. It took time for me to realize that each one of us is created different and have in us those gifts and talents that God places in us. I can say with all honesty that my children are not disappointing to me. They may do some things that disappoints, but as a person, they are loved, and not disappointing.
This brings me back to my heavenly Dad, our heavenly Father. When He sent me here to live for awhile, through my parents, He sent me with gifts and talents that I could use to further His kingdom. I was to, like every one else, bring Him honor and spread His kingdom into the part of world I live in. I must say, I know I disappointed my heavenly Father many times. I am sure I broke His heart when I disobeyed Him and failed at doing those things He sent me to do. But, even though I disappointed Him by not obeying Him, He was not disappointed in me as one of His children. He still loved me no matter what. Unlike my natural father who did not know how to express his love for me and pick me up when I failed, my Heavenly Father never stopped expressing His love for me, even when I let Him down. God, our Father, never left me or abandoned me just because I was not perfect, instead He showed His love for me by sending His only Son to die for me and take my place in death. When I accepted Christ into my life and repented of my sins, my Father looked upon me and forgave me, of everything. I am accepted by my heavenly Father and have a place with him through Christ the Lord.
You can have this too. If you have already accepted Christ as God's only Son, and allowed Him to become the Lord of your life, repented of your sins, then know this, you are not a disappointment to Him. You are loved and accepted as one of His. If you have not accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior, then you need to. All you have to do is ask Him to forgive you of your sins, ask Him to come and dwell in your spirit, make you a new person. If you do this sincerely, then He will do just that. God is not disappointed in you as a person, He is only disappointed in the disobedience that you show Him. Disobedience to His word is sin. We all are born into sin and only you and God can undo it. God loves you very much, but He wants you to follow Him so you can have a full and meaningful life.
Read these scriptures and meditate on them allowing them to reach into your spirit and soul.
Deut. 31:8; Heb. 13:5; John 3:16; Jeremiah 32:40: 1 Corinthians 1:9: 2 Timothy 2:13; Romans 8:38
There are many more passages in God's Word that tell us that God loves His creation, and you are a part of that creation, in fact you are as a human being, the high point of His creation. You can disappoint God by your actions, but you cannot disappoint Him as one of His creation. Yes, He loves you very much, in fact He loves you so much He sent His Son Jesus Christ to pay for your sins with His life. That's how much God loves you. All He wants you to do is accept His Son as your savior and believe in Him.
Yes, I disappointed my dad many times, and I disappointed God the Father many times, but I know this, even if my earthly father never loved me, I know that my Heavenly Father loves me eternally. "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life."
May God forever bless you as you journey with His Son Jesus Christ. He has already given you the skills and talents you need to complete the mission that He has given you. He is not disappointed in you as a person, He is only disappointed when you turn your back on Him and try to make it on your own, this just breaks His heart. Follow His ways and be blessed.
